Day 4: Wednesday

I wasn't able to sleep in my bed last night so I found my way to the couch. It's amazing what's on the boob tube during the wee hours of the morning. Fortunately, I'm a Fox News watcher so I was able to catch up on Glenn Beck, Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, and Greta Van Susteren. I'm not sure why I bother since the news does nothing more but get me all worked up.

I'm still not feeling 100% and really wish this head cold would go away. Yes, I should probably go to the doctor but really, what's she going to give me?

At 6 am, I heard a little voice calling from upstairs, "mommy." So, I went up to wish my sweet girl a good morning. She wanted to snuggle so we stayed in bed and read a few books. While reading books, CC started crying. I'm talking real tears rolling down her face. I asked her what was the matter and she didn't answer. After several attempts, she finally told me that she didn't want to go to school. WHEW! I was expecting a different answer. We cuddled some more and decided to get our day started. As I've mentioned before, it's MUCH easier on both of us if I dress her when she first wakes up. She is very opinionated and knows exactly what she wants to wear and don't you dare try to give her something else. Lately, it's been her socks. She's very particular about what color socks she wears. And, they have to match her outfit.

Combing her hair is another story. CC has the finest hair and every morning she wakes with a knot in the back of her hair. Bonnie was kind enough to get me a couple of different kinds of conditioner (leave-in and spray). I used the leave-in the night before but still, a huge knot. So, this morning, it was another "fight" with CC to let me comb her hair. I admit that it's a huge blur now but remember it being quite stressful this morning.

As we were preparing to leave for school, CC informed me that she was wearing her yellow rain boots and that she needed her brown jacket, her "big jacket," and her gloves. Mind you, it wasn't raining and the weather was beautiful. I tried to talk her out of them but NO, she had to have her way. So, CC went to school with yellow boots, a jacket, a vest, and gloves. I guess I should be thankful that it wasn't 80 degrees outside.

On another note, today was the first day with our new cleaning lady. I worked from home so I could be here with her. She worked HARD from 9 am until almost 4 pm. Of course, this first time was a deep clean: windows, blinds, lots of dusting of trinkets (which we don't have many), etc. When CC came home and walked into the door, the first thing she did was hold her nose and say "puey." We went upstairs and she checked out her bedroom and bathroom. When she saw the bathroom she said, "Oh my, it's very clean." I think she appreciates a clean house. Not that our house wasn't clean before, Nutz always did a GREAT job! But now that he's not here, someone needs to do it. And, he was kind enough to "allow" me to get a cleaning lady. Love you, Nutz!

While CC and I were playing in the office, she wanted some paper and tape to make a picture. So, I gave it to her. When she was finished she brought her art work to me and told me that it was for her birthday which was June 8. Hello? I didn't realize that she knew her birth date. I'm always amazed at what she does know...thank you Ms. Amy and Ms. Tatiana.

Dinner is always fun with CC. While Nutz was home, she took over his chair at the head of the table. And, that continues now. CC has become quite a picky eater so I have to "trick" her to eat some items. My latest trick is to let her "cut" her food with a new kiddie knife that I bought for her earlier this week. Tonight she had kielbasa (she thought it was a hot dog), cottage cheese, mandarin oranges, and green beans. For whatever reason, she didn't want any rice.

Bath time...what a fun time. CC's friend, JD, sent her some bath tablets and she LOVES to put two colors in the tub to see what color it will make.

Bed time...again, CC wanted to be in her "big girl" bed so we read books and waited patiently for daddy to call. CC was able to stay awake to talk with him; a great way to end the night for all of us! Each night, CC sleeps with her daddy doll and her pillowcase that has lots of pictures of her and daddy. Her daddy doll protects her from the "monsters" under her bed. The "monsters" are from one of her books and they consists of a dust bunny and spider. :-) CC was fast asleep by 7:30.

Me, I couldn't make myself sleep in my bed so I found my way to the couch again. Maybe I'll just sleep with CC in her bed. :-)

Until tomorrow...

We love you, Nutz!

Day 3: Tuesday

My sweet little girl is growing up. Tonight after bath time we read books in my bed and even talked to daddy on the telephone. When all was done, she said to me, "mommy, I want to sleep in my big girl bed." I was excited that she was so independent but was sad that I wouldn't have her to snuggle with during the night. So, we moved to her room where we read a few more books before she drifted off to dreamland.

Day 2: Monday...

This morning when CC woke up, the first thing she asked me was "Where's my daddy?" We talked a little about what daddy was doing and then we snuggled for awhile. I'm glad she's a snuggler like her daddy.

In an attempt to NOT fight with CC in the mornings about her clothes, I've started dressing her for school when I change her morning diaper. It sure beats the alternative if I try to do it later. Now, if I could just figure out how to keep the knots out of her hair. It's not a pretty sight trying to brush her hair in the mornings.

Our day was pretty normal: I dropped CC off at school and then I worked from home. I'm still not feeling 100% so getting dressed and driving to the office is NOT something I want to deal with right now.

Ms. Amy picked up CC from school and the two of them spent the afternoon together. Thank you, Ms. Amy for taking such good care of CC.

When asked what she (CC) wanted for dinner, she told me "soup" so that's what she had. I don't have much of an appetite so that worked for me. It meant I didn't have to really cook dinner for us.

CC and daddy were able to video conference this evening and I think it made them both VERY happy (me, too). It's so cute to watch CC interact with her daddy on the computer. When it was time for Nutz to go to dinner, CC proceeded to kiss the computer screen and tell her daddy good bye. :-)

Then, it was bath time. I'm so glad that CC LOVES to take a bath. It makes this time of the evening so much easier. The only problem is her NOT wanting to get out of the bath tub.

CC and I snuggled on the couch after bath time (since we took one earlier than normal) and watched "Say Yes to the Dress." This is NOT my choice of shows to watch but CC loves to watch the "princesses." She had a long day and was extremely tired so we went to bed early. Again, she slept with mommy. I think this is more for mommy than CC. Perhaps we'll transition back to her "big girl" bed this weekend.

And finally, my sweet hubby called to tell me good night! A great way to end a Monday! We love you, Nutz!

Day 1: Our First Sunday...

without Nutz was spent with some morning retail therapy at Target and TJ MAXX. Then, Grandma Kathie and Papa John called and invited us to spend time with them. So, we enjoyed a nice lunch at Baker's Crust and then spent the afternoon at their house having a tea party, playing dolls, and doing everything else possible to keep our minds off the fact that Nutz was not with us. THANK YOU Grandma Kathie and Papa John for always making us feel like we're part of your family. Grandma Kathie and Papa John both took pictures of CC (one with sunglasses and reading the menu and the other with lipstick on her face) and sent them to Nutz via the phone. Isn't technology great?

We did enjoy several phone calls from Nutz today which is very nice! We both love to hear his voice.

We finally decided to head home around 5:30. Yep, CC wasn't ready to go and wanted to stay. But, Grandma Kathie was finally able to get her to the car and in her car seat. We came home, took a bubble bath, and snuggled in mommy's bed. And that is where my sweet little CC is now at 5:52 am on Monday, March 8.

Sunday Morning

CC had a good night's sleep in my bed. She woke up this morning around 7 calling for me. When I went upstairs to get her, she asked, "where's my daddy?" I told her that daddy was on a trip and she said "No, I want my daddy at home." It's going to be a LOOOOONG deployment.

We love you, Nutz/Daddy!

Today was the day for which CC and I had to say goodbye to Nutz/daddy. Goodbyes are never easy but they are especially hard when you try to explain to a 2 1/2 year old why her daddy won't be coming home tonight. :-(

I'm very thankful that we had an additional two weeks to spend with Nutz. I don't think I was mentally ready for him to leave in February. Okay, so I wasn't ready for him to leave today either. But, it did give us more time to spend together as a family.

On Friday, we had some friends over for taco night. Typical Nutz/Crackerz, our last night together and we invite our closest friends to spend it with us. For me, it's much easier dealing with a stressful situation when surrounded by people who love and care about you. And, we have the BEST friends EVER.

Our Saturday morning started out like any other, Nutz cooked breakfast (farmer's special: the leftovers from taco night made into a delicious scrambled egg concoction) for us. I'm sure there were still lots of things that Nutz needed to get done before his early afternoon flight but he made time to spend it with CC and me. I'm sure that CC knew something wasn't normal. Mommy and daddy don't typically cry as much as we have over the last several days and she is very observant: "mommy are you sad?" "mommy, why are you crying?" "mommy, are you sick?"

We left the house around 1:30 to run an errand before going to the airport. CC was so tired from the party the night before that she fell asleep on the way to the airport so she wasn't even awake when we dropped off Nutz. So, when she woke up she wanted her daddy. I'm glad he'd been talking to her about his "trip" so she somewhat understood that he was on the airplane going on a "trip." Nutz recorded a message for her and she's been carrying it around for the last several days. She played it in the car yesterday and started crying and saying, "I want my daddy." Yep, I broke down and almost had to pull the car off the road.

Nutz also wrote Regan a special letter and I read it to her when we got back to the house. It was tough to read without balling my eyes out. I did cry and then CC began crying as well. It was a good 10 minutes before she calmed down. Nutz also recorded himself reading some of their favorite books. So, I was able to talk her into going upstairs to watch daddy reading books. She loved it!

We spent the afternoon/evening with our friends, Bonnie and Bella. It made the evening a little better spending it with friends. On the way home though, CC informed me that she wanted her daddy and that he'd be waiting for her at home. Again, I tried to explain to her that daddy was on his "trip." When we pulled into the driveway she saw his car and said, "daddy's here." UGH! Needless to say, she was VERY disappointed when I reminded her that daddy took an airplane to go on his trip. She cried for another 15 minutes.

We finally settled down for the evening by cuddling in my bed. At one point, CC said to me, "Mommy, I want to be close to you so I can pinch your neck." This is something that she does to her daddy when she's tired. We snuggled for awhile before she finally fell asleep.

CC is a tough little girl but because her daddy is such a special person, she'll get through. She has her daddy doll, daddy/CC pillowcase, daddy's video of book readings, daddy's voice recording, and lots and lots of pictures! And, she's looking forward to the letters her daddy is going to mail to her.

CC and Nutz have a special relationship. If you've ever been around them for any period of time, you know exactly what I mean. I can only hope that I am a good enough substitute for her daddy while he's away. He's a special man and I'm very blessed to have him as my husband and the father of my children!

We love you Nutz/Daddy!

PS If you want to keep up with Nutz, check out his blog.

College Fund

Momma says, that if I dress like this and hang out on the corner in the "View" I can make enough money to pay for college!

Chores

That is the last time I say the "grand daddy of all profanity"....at least while mommy and daddy are in earshot!

Thank you

Thank you grandma and grandpa for my uber cool mermaid rain coat and umbrella. It will come in handy when I go out trolling in the rain! Baby brother likes his new duds as well!

CC and Mommy

Family Pictures

It's been over a year since we had family pictures taken. So, I wanted to get some taken before Nutz leaves. After looking at the bags under my eyes and my fat belly, I shouldn't have waited.

CC's First Time Ice Skating

After the movie, CC and Bella wanted to go ice skating. So, Nutz rented some skates and took turns with the girls. It was a sight to see. :-)

CC's First 3D IMAX Movie

This morning, we went to see Whales and Dolphins 3D at the local IMAX movie. This was CC's first movie that happened to be 3D and at the IMAX. She had a great time as did her friend, Bella.

CC and Daddy

Happy Birthday!

Bath Time is Fun Time!

Big Sister and Baby Brother

Here is a side-by-side picture of CC and Deuce.

More pics of CC....

Baby Brother @ 31 Weeks

Tonight we had a 3D-4D ultrasound. CC enjoyed seeing her baby brother on the tv but she was a little concerned, at first, about her mommy. When I first got on the table for the tech to start the ultrasound, CC stood on the stool next to me and started rubbing my tummy. Deuce was a little slow to begin with but once CC started singing some of his favorite songs (Old MacDonald, Twinkle Twinkle Little Start, Hokey Pokey), he started cooperating. :-)

More Ultrasound Pics...

taken from our camera.

Ultrasound Pictures (Video)

Baby Brother Moving

Phrase of the Day

Our little princess is growing up so quickly and it is amazing what she learns as she goes. Today, she wowed mommy and daddy as we ventured out into the rain to drive to the 3D ultra sound of baby brother. Baby brother pictures will be up soon, momma needs to watch 24 first.

Anyhow, sweet little CC in her cute voice told all within ear shot in the car that;

"It's F&%king Raining!"

Sooo, I wonder where she learned that? I am half inclined to blame the nanny who is after all married to a Navy chief. However, sweet little CC was bellied up to the poker table last night with a bunch of helicopter pilots who may have been drinking some beers. Or, could it have been momma's meltdown the other night? I know it could not have been her loving father who would never use such vulgar language in the company of impressionable ears. I did nearly get into a car accident for I was laughing sooo hard after momma and I eyeballed each other. On a bright note, little CC was accurate in her observation, it was f**ing raining!

Note from mommy: Unfortunately, we know where CC heard this word. OOPS!

Beer and Naked Butt Dance

Today at lunch, CC promptly told Ms. Amy and I that when she grows up she's going to drink beer.

Then, after going pee pee in the potty, she ran into the office where I was working and said, "I'm going to do the naked butt dance."

Beer and a naked butt dance. Yep, we're going to have our hands full with this one. :-)

Brunch at The Chamberlin

This morning we had brunch at The Chamberlin with grandma Kathie and papa John.

Here are some pictures...

We have a date...

CC Loves to Pretend

This afternoon I wasn't feeling 100% so I went upstairs to lie down. I wasn't there long before CC decided to visit. :-) She crawled into bed with me and told me that I was "CC" and she was "mommy." She promptly said, "I have a headache and need an ice pack." "My back hurts, please rub it." I have NO IDEA where she's heard those things.

Bed Time

I am still the bed time guy and I do really enjoy it even thought it is a bit long at times, especially when cupcake decides she is not ready to drift off to sleepy land and build castles with the "Sand Man".

So tonight we were snuggled together in the "Big Girl" bed.  The light had been turned off after a tearful rendition of the book I cannot finish, thanks Anne.  A little Peter in the Pan and a slight struggle to turn of the light.  So there we were sitting in the dark, my little princes with her killer blue eyes, infectious smile and juvenile sense of humor.  Daddy, rough and gruff with a three day beard growth.

What was my little princes doing while waiting to drift off to sleep.....

Picking her nose and wiping her boogers on my shoulder!

at least they are little boogers ;) 

It worked, she fell asleep... Maybe I will try this with my wife tonight?

CC's Valentine's Day

In preparation for our Valentine's Day party, CC made cupcakes AND put together Valentine's bags for her friends.

This morning, she enjoyed opening her Valentine's Day presents. Her favorite: doctor kit (doctor's coat included).

A blast from the past...

I created this video for our wedding. It's resurfaced again so I thought I'd post it here. :-)

Happy Valentine's Day!

to my wonderful husband!

CC's Big Girl Bed

CC's "big girl" bed arrived on Monday and she LOVES it! She spent her first night in the bed on February 8 and tonight will be her second. So far, it's been a great move! We're transitioning from one nighttime ritual to a new one but still haven't defined what "it" looks like.

Happy Birthday!

I love you, Ms. Amy!
Crazy Crumbz

A Beautiful Birth Story

My friend, Kim H, shared this birth story with her Facebook friends and I wanted to share it with my blog readers.

Enjoying the Small Things, Nella Cordellia: A Birth Story

Unless you're ready for a really good cry, don't read it.

CC as Miss Independent

We have a very independent daughter.

The other night Nutz was getting some Motrin for CC. Well, Miss Independent wanted to help so she promptly said to Nutz, "Let's work together, daddy." :-)

Last night, Nutz was preparing to give CC her bath and he proceeded to turn on the light in the bathroom. Well, that was not okay with CC. She proceed to go to the bathroom, turn off the light, and turn it back on.

And finally, she is VERY independent (and a perfectionist) when it comes to putting on her jacket. At school, she has learned to lay her jacket on the floor and then flip it over her head to put it on properly. Well, if Nutz puts it on the floor the "wrong" way, CC tells him, "Daddy, that's not the perfect way."

Thank you!

My friend, Vicki (on the left), arrived in Afghanistan yesterday to start her 7 month tour. Please keep her in your prayers.

Check out my new bumper sticker...

Winter Snowstorm in "The View"

Or, click here to go directly to the album.

For some reason I see momma doing this?!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJriDAhIIQs

A Father's Premonition

I was cruising down the street the other day and I had a thought, just one mind you, however, it was worthy. I thought it would be very cool one day to go to an auditorium, or concert hall, and see little CC at center stage, dark all around with the spotlight right on her with a fiddle under her chin, cowboy hat, mini-skirt and some boots and thumping away to the "Devil Went Down to Georgia"

The Devil Went Down To Georgia...

Too good not to share...

A drinking game for tonight's State of the Union Address AND a group on Facebook to promote it. Whatever it takes to get people to watch/listen. :-)

Visual Representation...

of the scope of my work (and proposed workload). Oh yeah! On top of this, I'm having a baby (c-section) in April (and would like to take maternity leave) and my husband is deploying for a year. Hmmm....What am I stressed about!? I'm wonder woman and I can do ANYTHING!!!!! NOT!!!!! Family first, family first, family first!

Did I mention that there's NO ADDITIONAL staff associated with this virtual summer school? So, all of those jobs listed above (except teachers) belong to me.

Mommy Dilemma Follow-up

This morning (in the wee hours of the morning), I was reading the New York Times and ran across this article about moms being the sole income earner in the home.

My purpose in posting this article is NOT that I have an opinion either way (stay-at-home dads are better or stay-at-home moms are better), just found it ironic that this article was written during a particularly stressful time in my life. In fact, I think each family is unique and needs to do what is best for them. And, why do some people (particularly women) feel the need to judge other women about their choice, whether it be to stay-at-home or work?!?

What I really want to know is if a man would be put in the same situation that I've been placed in: family or career?

Grammy's Birthday Song

Happy Birthday, Grammy!

We wish we could be there to celebrate with you!

Love,
Nutz, Crackerz, and Crazy Crumbz

The Mommy Dilemma

I realize that I'm not the first mother to face this dilemma. But, each of us is different and must do what's best for ourself and for our families.

This past year at work has been a busy one for me. I AM (with one full-time instructional designer) the E-Learning Department. Other than my full-time ID, I have no support staff and no back-up person.

For those that aren't sure what I do, I'm the E-Learning Manager at the local public television/public radio station. We're unique in that 18 public school divisions (SD) own our assets. As far as I know, there isn't another station like this in the US.

I'm responsible for the development of online student courses (textbook-independent, media-rich. highly-interactive). The courses we develop are the equivalent of a textbook, for which most of you are familiar. All of our courses are developed to meet, at a minimum, the Virginia Standards of Learning (VA SOL). Our teams are made up of 2 subject matter experts (for which I interview and hire), an instructional designer, project manager (me), and a content area review team (for which I coordinate, moderate, etc.) made up of multiple people from the participating school divisions. Part of the review process is a phone conference that typically occurs in the afternoon and can run as long as 2-3 hours. Currently, we are developing 4 courses: Algebra II/Trig, Biology, Geometry, and VA/US History. These courses are to be completed by July 31, 2010.

Another part of course development is course refreshment. Once a course is complete, it's not forgotten. We have a plan to revise ALL courses when new VA SOLs are released by the VA Department of Education and modernization updates. This process requires the same staff: project manager, instructional designer, and two subject matter experts. Currently, we have three courses that need to have this done: Algebra I, Earth Science, and VA/US Government. We haven't even started.

The third component to course development is the removal of some videos that were included in our original courses because the license we have to use them is going away. So, we need to review 8 courses (Algebra I, Earth Science, English 9, English 10, English 11, English 12, Personal Finance and Economics and VA/US Government) to remove the video clips and write replacement content. Again, this requires the same staff as original course development: project manager, instructional designer; subject matter experts. We haven't started.

Another responsibility that I have is to attend meetings related to E-Learning and travel to school divisions to assist them with planning for E-Learning. I also am required to present at local, regional, state, and national conferences.

In addition, I'm the regional Desire2Learn (D2L) Administrator. In this role, I'm responsible for being the D2L "expert" for all 14 school divisions (soon to be 18). In this capacity I do the following: coordinate/facilitate the creation of ANY new D2L site for new SD; hold monthly meetings with each of the SD's D2L administrators; provide escalated technical support to the SD; submit ALL technical issues to D2L and report results back to SD; coordinate all D2L upgrades with D2L (vendor) and the 14 SD; upload ALL completed courses to the 14 SD's D2L sites; provide D2L training to D2L Adminstrators; provide D2L training to SD staff (when requested); and be aware of, share/educate, and coordinate the demonstration of any new products available to the 14 SD.

THEN, last week we (my employer and the 18 school divisions) were awarded a $2,412,648 grant. The grant starts IMMEDIATELY and all associated activities must be complete by September 2011. With this grant, I'm now responsible for developing an additional 12 courses. This includes the interviewing/hiring of the following support staff: project manager, 4 full-time instructional designers, an assessment specialist, rich media developer, and 24 content developers. AND, act as the project manager for 6 of the 12 courses.

On Friday, I was told that I'd also be responsible for managing the implementation of a regional virtual school for the 18 SD which will run a pilot this summer, 2010. Yep, that's this summer. Well, if you're not familiar with a virtual school, no worries. It's the equivalent, if not more work, than running/starting a traditional school. You still need similar support staff: principal, curriculum specialist, technical specialist (it is technology), registrar, guidance counselor, and clerical support. This is NOT a comprehensive list, but you get the point. At this time, I AM all of those positions because there are no resources to hire anyone. With the help of some of my colleagues in the local school divisions, we created a 4 page document of items that include decisions that need to be made (by people much higher than me) and ALL items that must be completed before/during/after the summer school term. I admit that it was a bit overwhelming. But, I knew that since I've run a virtual summer school before AND I was the entire staff. It's not easy and I told myself that I'd never do it again. Ha!

There are those of us who love to work and love what we do. In fact, for me, I feel that being a working mom makes me a better mother. The time I spend with CC is special. Why can't I have both? I haven't spent all these years busting my butt to have to choose one or the other. This issue doesn't even take into consideration the fact that Nutz is going to be deployed for a year. Throw that on top of everything else (too much work for one person, who likes to produce QUALITY work, to feasibly manage) and you get one STRESSED out Crackerz.

And, this doesn't take into consideration that there is no one to "fill in" while I'm on maternity leave (at least not as of January 22) . So, does this mean that the expectations are that I work while on leave so project deadlines are met?!

What really makes me MAD is that I have to choose. For those of you who know me, know that doing things half-way is NOT acceptable. I pride myself in giving 100% (work and personal) AND it's not fair to my family or to my customers (18 SD) to give anything less. Hence, my dilemma.

What are mothers to do? Do fathers deal with the same issues? Just curious.

Freckles

During bath time, I said to CC, "You have a freckle." She promptly replied, "You have freckles everywhere, mommy."

Yep, this is me on most days!

Me at 25 Weeks

I haven't done a very good job of posting "me" pictures during this pregnancy. Here's a picture of me (taken today) at 25 weeks, 3 days.

PS Ignore the mess in the background.

CC and Bella

We had the opportunity to spend the day with Bella while her mommy worked. CC and Bella had a GREAT time hanging out with each other. We even took a trip to Sam's Club where the girls had a hot dog and Sprite. After the tiresome shopping trip, they fell asleep in the car so we drove around. :-) Never wake a sleeping baby/kid, right?

Here are some pictures of their day.

Football Party

Grandma Kathie invited us over to watch the Jets-Bengals playoff game. If you didn't know, she has a family member who plays for the Jets.

As you can see from the pictures, CC and her new friend, Annabelle, had a fun time. And, I ate way too much. Note to self: move away from the table if you're not hungry.

Grandma Kathie's Birthday

CC and I helped Grandma Kathie celebrate her birthday by attending a surprise party at one of her favorite local restaurants. All four of her children were able to be here as was her brother from Louisiana.

I love Ray Stevens!

CC and Nutz Dancing

Random January Pictures

Christmas Afternoon with Arana Family

Better late than never...

We spent Christmas afternoon with the Arana family. Great food and great friends! We love you!

New Year's Day

We spent new year's day with our good friends: Arana's, Behr's, Pino's, and Tavalozzi's.

I didn't do a very good job of getting pictures of everyone. We did have a house full; 8 children between the ages of 1 and 5. It was like a daycare.

Yep

No drama here just lots of emotions and hormones.

Think I'll read and reread this article from WebMD.

“Stress is like an iceberg. We can see one-eighth of it above, but what about what’s below?”

Our Little Artist

Hmmm...

Changes in You
"You are probably having wild mood swings still, but other than that things are run of the mill. Take some time to enjoy the feeling of your baby moving about your belly. This is often a fun time for both mom and baby because the baby has so much room to move around."

Taken from Women's Health Care Topics.

Be Yourself

I had a long post about being yourself, but decided to delete my words and replace them with the quotes below. I found these particular quotes that represent how I feel. It's important that you're always true to yourself.

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth. ~Benjamin Disraeli

Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else. ~Judy Garland

He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away. ~Raymond Hull

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ~e.e. cummings

Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you? ~Fanny Brice

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss

You were born an original. Don't die a copy. ~John Mason

Why try to be someone you're not? Life is hard enough without adding impersonation to the skills required. ~Robert Brault

Forgive and Forget

Why is it that it's easier to forgive than to forget? That's been my experience most of my life. I'm able to forgive but have a difficult time forgetting. I'm always hearing "just forget about it, it's over." Yep, doesn't work for me. I'm always going over in my mind what happened and what could have been done differently.

I found the article, Handling Forgiving and Forgetting on the Livestrong.com website. So much of what's on there I can relate with. I need to focus on "forgetting."

So, I'm going to do my best to work through the three steps listed:

Step 1: In order to increase your ability to forgive and forget, you need to recognize what this behavior involves. Answer the following questions in your journal:

a. What do you mean by "forgiving and forgetting in a relationship?"
b. Have you ever been forgiven in a relationship? How did it feel?
c. Has anyone ever brought up something from the past to remind you how you hurt a person? How did that make you feel?
d. What role do you feel forgiving and forgetting has in your relationships? How could you improve?
e. How has the absence of forgiving and forgetting affected your current relationships?
f. What are the signs of the absence of forgiving and forgetting in your relationship with your family of origin, current family, significant others, spouse, children, parents, relatives, friends and co-workers?
g. What beliefs block your ability to forgive and forget? What would be necessary to change these beliefs?
h. What new behavior do you need to develop in order to increase your ability to forgive and forget?
i. What role does the existence of spirituality play in your ability to forgive and forget? The lack of it?
j. Who do you need to forgive? What do you need to forget?

Step 2: Now that you have a better picture of what is involved in forgiving and forgetting, you are ready to extinguish blaming behavior.

Letting Go of Blaming

It is easy to point the finger of blame at others for the pain you have suffered. This activity is intended to get you to point the finger of responsibility at yourself, to be better able to forgive and forget when you feel hurt by another's behavior. Answer the following questions in your journal:

(1) List an incident for which you are unable to forgive a person(s) and therefore are unable to forget.
(2) How much energy, creativity, problem solving capability and focus on growth is sapped from you whenever you recall this hurt?
(3) What feelings come to your mind and body as you recall this hurt?
(4) How would you describe your role in this event? In what ways were you the victim, perpetrator, enabler, martyr, bystander, instigator, target, scapegoat, distracter, peacemaker, people pleaser or rescuer?
(5) Why do you feel strongly over what happened and how you were treated?
(6) What did this event or happening do to your self-esteem?
(7) How dependent on others were you (or are you) to help you feel good about yourself? How positively self-affirming were or are you? Why do you need this person's affirmation to make you feel good about yourself? What beliefs about yourself were threatened by what happened to you? Reinforced?
(8) How willing are you to declare yourself independent of the need for others to reinforce you and make you feel good about yourself? What blocks you from declaring this independence? What fears do you have of letting go of the need for others to make you feel good about yourself? How does this relate to your inability to forgive or forget in the incident listed in Step 2(1)?
(9) What value is there in blaming the person(s) listed in Step 2(1) for the hurt and pain experienced? How responsible are you for the feelings of hurt and pain? How do these feelings relate to your dependence on others to make you feel good about yourself? How do you control your feelings of pain and hurt? What would change in your feelings about this past incident if you accepted the responsibility for your own feelings and perceptions? How do your irrational beliefs interfere in your ability to resist blaming others for pain and hurt you experience?
(10) Look back at the past incident and the person(s) involved; reframe your thinking and feelings about it:
* Who was responsible for my reaction to the incident?
* Who was responsible for my feelings about the incident?
* Who was responsible for my inability to forgive the person(s) involved?
* Who is responsible for my inability to forget this incident?
* How can I forgive the person(s) involved?
* How can I put this incident behind me?
* How can I forgive myself for being dependent on others for feelings of being worthwhile and good?
* How can I avoid being so hurt when something like this happens again?
* What do I gain by blaming others for my feelings?
* What can I do when I feel hurt and pain? Where does the finger of responsibility need to be pointed?

Step 3: Once you have learned how to let go of blaming in that one incident, repeat Step 2 addressing all the past or present incidents of hurt in which you need to forgive the people and forget the incidents (see Step 1j).

When you have exhausted your list of people you need to forgive and events you need to forget, you will be on the road to forgiving and forgetting in relationships. If you have problems in the future, return to Step 1 and begin again.

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.

~ Lewis B. Smedes

A long day, lots of emotions...

lots of words, lots of tears, and I still don't feel better. We talk and talk and talk but nothing seems to be said. I get the feeling that unless I "cave in" and say that I'll change, that this same, or similar, scenario will take place time and time again. And, I'm not sure that I want that.

I am hard-headed and stubborn, but give me a break. Why, with all that I have going on in my life right now, must I explain myself? Why must I apologize for being mopey and quiet (and perhaps grouchy, too)? Why can't people just put two and two together to realize that it's not about "them." Ever think that maybe it's about me? That maybe I'm the one with the issue(s) and you just happen to be around during the time that I'm trying to deal with it/them? I didn't think so. Sometimes, people need to understand that another person's actions aren't necessarily about them. I know, that's a tough one to comprehend.

I guess I've never been a sensitive person and therefore don't understand people who are extremely sensitive. I've also never been one to tip-toe around people and act like everything is FANTASTIC when it's not! I'm a "what you see is what you get" kind of gal! If I'm having a good day, then you'll see my good day. If I'm having a bad day, then you'll see my bad day. In the comforts of my own home, I'd expect that I could be myself. I can see that's not the case.

Is it possible for me to change who I am after all these years? I don't think so. What next? Do I give up? Do I say "you win?" What? Someone please tell me.

Ah yes...it's my FAULT yet again

I'm sure that this post is going to cause another issue at my house but...this is my outlet to vent since I don't, as of yet, have a therapist (on my New Years list).

I'm not sensitive to the feelings of others. I don't put on a happy face all the time. I'm not all gushy over people. I'm not allowed to have "off days" or even "off weeks." I'm not allowed to feel like crap. I'm not allowed to be unsocial. I'm not allowed to be moody. I'm not allowed to be quiet and say few, if any words. I'm to blame when others get their feelings hurt. I'm to blame when company cuts their visit short. Or goodness forbid, that my hormones AND stress may play a factor in ALL of the above.

Anyone curious about why I didn't go to FL? How about I didn't want to make those around me feel sad like I was feeling. How about I wanted to be in a place, my home, where I could "hide" and cry as much as I want. Nope, guess you didn't know all of those things. It's so much easier to just think that I'm an insensitive and uncaring person.

Did you think that leaving would make things better? NOPE! How about Nutz's feelings? Or what about CC? But as Nutz would say to me (and often does), it's much easier to run away.

As I said in my Christmas Eve post, I'm me and I've been this way for 38 years. Some people like me and others don't. At this stage of my life, I'm probably not going to change my personality. I'm sorry if your feelings get hurt every single time you're around me. I certainly don't intentionally try to hurt your feelings.

AND finally, I'm not a good communicator and I know that. I've got lots on my mind beyond being pregnant, stressing about an upcoming deployment, work stress (yes, I'm thankful to have a job), and the holidays (and being away from family and missing loved ones who are no longer with me). With that said, you might want to read this article on mood swings during pregnancy. Or, perhaps you might read this article about deployment stress. Or, even this article on work stress. Or, perhaps you might choose to read this article about stress during the holidays. Each of us deals with stress in a different way so don't judge me for the way I deal with it. And please don't take things personally!

I have so many other things that I'd like to say but will keep them to myself. I've never been one to blame others for my actions or inactions. So, I'm not going to start today.

I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!
~Dr. Seuss

Christmas Day

CC was exhausted after a long Christmas Eve day and night. So, she slept until 7:30. Once she finally woke up she was excited to see the presents that Santa left over night. She loved opening presents but ALSO wanted to play with each one after she opened it. So, the opening of presents took some time. Oh well! We didn't have anything better to do. Enjoy the pictures.

Christmas Eve with Ms. Amy

Ms. Amy invited our family to attend the Christmas Pageant at her church and to dinner at her house. We had a GREAT time! Thank you!

Christmas Eve

and home alone. By choice, but home alone, none-the-less. It's been a stressful week around our house with the news that Nutz is deploying for a year. He'll most likely miss the birth of his son and the first 10 months of his life. I've not slept and I've cried more tears than I knew possible. I'm one of those "what if" people so I worry about everything. The holidays have always been a stressful time for me, don't know why, but they have been. So put the news and the holidays together and you have one stressed out Crackerz. Oh yeah! I'm pregnant so add the crazy hormones, too.

I digress. If I'm not laughing, smiling, and being full of glee, don't take it personally. Just realize that I have a lot going on in my life right now and entertaining you and worrying about how you feel is not at the top of my list. There might be a day when I want to stay in my pjs all day and cry. Let me. I may be fine one minute and crying the next. Let me. Don't tell me that everything will be alright, I know that. Don't tell me that I'll have lots of people to help. I know that. But I'm sorry, it's not the same when it's not your husband and the father of your child. Don't ask me what you can do, just do it. What is "it"? I don't care, do something. If I have to take the time to tell you what to do then I might as well do it myself. If I want to stay in my room and not be social, don't take it personally, there's a reason. And, it's probably because I want to cry and I don't like an audience. If I go to bed before you, don't take it personally. I always go to bed early.

Bottom line, just because I don't act like you (happy and smiling all the time) doesn't mean I don't love you and don't accept you for you. Accept me for who I am (grouchy and all). If not, well, there's not much I can do about it.

CC's Big Girl Bed

As you know, we have a new baby on the way. Since we heard the news of Nutz's deployment, I hesitated moving CC at the same time her daddy leaves and a new baby arrives. However, we found this great bed from Flexa. So, the moving process will begin mid-January when the new bed should come in and while Nutz is still around. CC LOVED the bed and picked it out herself. Hopefully, she won't associate daddy leaving and baby brother arriving with being "kicked out" of her crib and nursery.

My Special Birthday

When I woke up on my birthday, this is what I found on the dining room table: flowers, balloon, birthday card, presents, "I love you" coffee cup with tea bag, and homemade blueberry muffins! I have the BEST husband!

For dinner, he took me to Ruths Chris; one of my all-time favorite places to eat!

I love you, Nutz!

Thank you!

Tonight, Nutz made arrangements for the Behr family to watch Regan while we went out to dinner for my birthday. Chris said she was a riot.

While there, CC did some pretty funny stuff:

1. Played school and read books (she's a bossy teacher)
2. Told Uncle Larry that he was being too loud
3. Had a bugger (yes you read correctly) on her finger and told Aunt Chris. But then informed Aunt Chris that it was too late; "It" had fallen on the floor (or couch). GROSS!
4. When asked if she wanted a fire in the fireplace, she said "No, I'm scared of fires like my daddy." Hmmm...didn't know she was scared of fires.

I'm sure there are others but I thought these were cute! Thank you Behr family for watching CC.

CC Plays Doctor

We took CC with us to the ultrasound and my last OB appointment. Since then, she wants to play doctor. She puts on the headset for the computer and uses the microphone as the "stethoscope" to listen to my belly. This afternoon, she wanted to be the "doctor" and told me to sit on the couch. She pulled up my shirt, got some pretend "soap" (she meant the gel used during ultrasounds), and proceed to move the microphone (ultrasound wand) over my stomach. She pointed to the wall and said, "look mommy, it's my baby brother." This is exactly what happened in the doctor's office. Super sweet!

CC's First Gingerbread House

This year, I decided to let CC make a gingerbread house. She had a blast. Check out the pictures. It's currently being "fixed." Once it's healed, she'll finish decorating and I'll take a picture of the final product.

Santa Tracking

Don't forget to track Santa Claus on Christmas Eve.

Do you have an "attitude of gratitude"?

I got this link from a friend's blog. I'm going to work hard to develop an attitude of gratitude. 2010 will provide us with many challenges (and happy moments like a new baby boy) and a chance for me to practice my new "attitude with gratitude."

She makes my heart melt!

This morning CC and I were snuggling on the couch before we had to get ready for school and work. She looked up at me and said, "mommy, I love you." Yep, made me cry! I love you, too!

The Girls

From December 2009

CC and I were hanging out in the office/playroom when she asked me to take a picture of us. Well, as you can see I was NOT dressed for a picture. But, I couldn't turn her down! She's a doll!

The Three Behrs

We are so excited to have the Three Behrs back in town! We love you guys!

From December 2009

From December 2009

From December 2009

I love Bass Pro!

From December 2009

From December 2009

From December 2009

Daddy-Daughter Time

Things Kids Say

CC pointed to a freckle on my leg and said, "Mommy has polka dots."

Already planning...

I purchased this sailboat set from Pottery Barn Kids for Deuce's nursery. What do you think?

NOTE: This is NOT our nursery but a picture from the PBK website.

The Behr Family Comes "Home"

We are so excited that the Behr family is moving back to VA. So excited, that we decided to surprise them with a decorated Christmas tree. Shh! Don't tell them, it's a secret.

CC was supposed to help decorate but she decided to take a 2 hour nap instead.

We're having a boy!

Boy or Girl?

Cheeseburger Soup

Tonight I decided to try something new. So, I searched the Internet for a cheeseburger soup recipe to get me started. I made some changes (and will make some more next time just because I think they sound good). To see the recipe with my changes, go to our cookbook.

CC's Latest Artwork...

just happens to be on her face. Yes, you read right. This morning before school, CC decided to color. However, rather than color on the paper she had, she decided to use her face.

Giggles

Girl's Weekend

This past weekend, I met some girlfriends in Fredericksburg, VA. We enjoyed the first snow of the season; just in time to put us in the holiday spirit. And, we were able to watch the annual Christmas parade from the warmth of the local Irish Pub.

Here are a few pictures from our trip.

November Nor'easter

Once again, we survived another storm and feel very fortunate. It's hard to believe that we live across the street from the Chesapeake Bay and had NO flooding, NO wind damage, AND we never lost power (okay, for 3-4 minutes at one point Thursday night).

Yesterday, we had to drive to my office so I could get some items before my trip to TX. It was quite the adventure and I'm glad we took the jeep. What is typically a 15 minute, easy drive turned into an off-road adventure, or so it seemed.

To see the pictures we took, go to our online album. To see pictures that other people around HR took, go to the Wavy website.

Storm Dates: November 12, November 13, November 14

The Start of the Christmas Season

Our Movie Star

Thanksgiving 2009

A special thanks to the Pino family for having us over for Thanksgiving dinner! The food was GREAT and the company was fantastic! We love you guys!

Our Trip to Austin

Mommy had a conference in Austin, so daddy and I decided to "tag along." While mommy attended the conference sessions, daddy and I did some sightseeing of the beautiful Texas Capitol of Austin. While there, we were able to meet up with some of my daddy's cousins. It was great! After the conference ended, we took a quick trip to San Antonio. While there, we took a boat ride on the San Antonio Riverwalk. We also visited the Natural Bridge Wildlife Branch. We were able to drive the car through the park and I could feed the animals through the window. It was so much fun!

Enjoy the pictures!

Living Large In Texas!

Crazy Crumbz is a good traveler and she is having fun here in Texas looking at all the pick up trucks! We heard and ad on the radio for a 2010 $15,000 Ford F-150 and we almost purchased one! Check Back frequently as we add more photos!


View Austin, Texas 2009 in a larger map

Our Little Patriot!