Yep

No drama here just lots of emotions and hormones.

Think I'll read and reread this article from WebMD.

“Stress is like an iceberg. We can see one-eighth of it above, but what about what’s below?”

Our Little Artist

Hmmm...

Changes in You
"You are probably having wild mood swings still, but other than that things are run of the mill. Take some time to enjoy the feeling of your baby moving about your belly. This is often a fun time for both mom and baby because the baby has so much room to move around."

Taken from Women's Health Care Topics.

Be Yourself

I had a long post about being yourself, but decided to delete my words and replace them with the quotes below. I found these particular quotes that represent how I feel. It's important that you're always true to yourself.

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth. ~Benjamin Disraeli

Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else. ~Judy Garland

He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away. ~Raymond Hull

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ~e.e. cummings

Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you? ~Fanny Brice

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss

You were born an original. Don't die a copy. ~John Mason

Why try to be someone you're not? Life is hard enough without adding impersonation to the skills required. ~Robert Brault

Forgive and Forget

Why is it that it's easier to forgive than to forget? That's been my experience most of my life. I'm able to forgive but have a difficult time forgetting. I'm always hearing "just forget about it, it's over." Yep, doesn't work for me. I'm always going over in my mind what happened and what could have been done differently.

I found the article, Handling Forgiving and Forgetting on the Livestrong.com website. So much of what's on there I can relate with. I need to focus on "forgetting."

So, I'm going to do my best to work through the three steps listed:

Step 1: In order to increase your ability to forgive and forget, you need to recognize what this behavior involves. Answer the following questions in your journal:

a. What do you mean by "forgiving and forgetting in a relationship?"
b. Have you ever been forgiven in a relationship? How did it feel?
c. Has anyone ever brought up something from the past to remind you how you hurt a person? How did that make you feel?
d. What role do you feel forgiving and forgetting has in your relationships? How could you improve?
e. How has the absence of forgiving and forgetting affected your current relationships?
f. What are the signs of the absence of forgiving and forgetting in your relationship with your family of origin, current family, significant others, spouse, children, parents, relatives, friends and co-workers?
g. What beliefs block your ability to forgive and forget? What would be necessary to change these beliefs?
h. What new behavior do you need to develop in order to increase your ability to forgive and forget?
i. What role does the existence of spirituality play in your ability to forgive and forget? The lack of it?
j. Who do you need to forgive? What do you need to forget?

Step 2: Now that you have a better picture of what is involved in forgiving and forgetting, you are ready to extinguish blaming behavior.

Letting Go of Blaming

It is easy to point the finger of blame at others for the pain you have suffered. This activity is intended to get you to point the finger of responsibility at yourself, to be better able to forgive and forget when you feel hurt by another's behavior. Answer the following questions in your journal:

(1) List an incident for which you are unable to forgive a person(s) and therefore are unable to forget.
(2) How much energy, creativity, problem solving capability and focus on growth is sapped from you whenever you recall this hurt?
(3) What feelings come to your mind and body as you recall this hurt?
(4) How would you describe your role in this event? In what ways were you the victim, perpetrator, enabler, martyr, bystander, instigator, target, scapegoat, distracter, peacemaker, people pleaser or rescuer?
(5) Why do you feel strongly over what happened and how you were treated?
(6) What did this event or happening do to your self-esteem?
(7) How dependent on others were you (or are you) to help you feel good about yourself? How positively self-affirming were or are you? Why do you need this person's affirmation to make you feel good about yourself? What beliefs about yourself were threatened by what happened to you? Reinforced?
(8) How willing are you to declare yourself independent of the need for others to reinforce you and make you feel good about yourself? What blocks you from declaring this independence? What fears do you have of letting go of the need for others to make you feel good about yourself? How does this relate to your inability to forgive or forget in the incident listed in Step 2(1)?
(9) What value is there in blaming the person(s) listed in Step 2(1) for the hurt and pain experienced? How responsible are you for the feelings of hurt and pain? How do these feelings relate to your dependence on others to make you feel good about yourself? How do you control your feelings of pain and hurt? What would change in your feelings about this past incident if you accepted the responsibility for your own feelings and perceptions? How do your irrational beliefs interfere in your ability to resist blaming others for pain and hurt you experience?
(10) Look back at the past incident and the person(s) involved; reframe your thinking and feelings about it:
* Who was responsible for my reaction to the incident?
* Who was responsible for my feelings about the incident?
* Who was responsible for my inability to forgive the person(s) involved?
* Who is responsible for my inability to forget this incident?
* How can I forgive the person(s) involved?
* How can I put this incident behind me?
* How can I forgive myself for being dependent on others for feelings of being worthwhile and good?
* How can I avoid being so hurt when something like this happens again?
* What do I gain by blaming others for my feelings?
* What can I do when I feel hurt and pain? Where does the finger of responsibility need to be pointed?

Step 3: Once you have learned how to let go of blaming in that one incident, repeat Step 2 addressing all the past or present incidents of hurt in which you need to forgive the people and forget the incidents (see Step 1j).

When you have exhausted your list of people you need to forgive and events you need to forget, you will be on the road to forgiving and forgetting in relationships. If you have problems in the future, return to Step 1 and begin again.

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.

~ Lewis B. Smedes

A long day, lots of emotions...

lots of words, lots of tears, and I still don't feel better. We talk and talk and talk but nothing seems to be said. I get the feeling that unless I "cave in" and say that I'll change, that this same, or similar, scenario will take place time and time again. And, I'm not sure that I want that.

I am hard-headed and stubborn, but give me a break. Why, with all that I have going on in my life right now, must I explain myself? Why must I apologize for being mopey and quiet (and perhaps grouchy, too)? Why can't people just put two and two together to realize that it's not about "them." Ever think that maybe it's about me? That maybe I'm the one with the issue(s) and you just happen to be around during the time that I'm trying to deal with it/them? I didn't think so. Sometimes, people need to understand that another person's actions aren't necessarily about them. I know, that's a tough one to comprehend.

I guess I've never been a sensitive person and therefore don't understand people who are extremely sensitive. I've also never been one to tip-toe around people and act like everything is FANTASTIC when it's not! I'm a "what you see is what you get" kind of gal! If I'm having a good day, then you'll see my good day. If I'm having a bad day, then you'll see my bad day. In the comforts of my own home, I'd expect that I could be myself. I can see that's not the case.

Is it possible for me to change who I am after all these years? I don't think so. What next? Do I give up? Do I say "you win?" What? Someone please tell me.

Ah yes...it's my FAULT yet again

I'm sure that this post is going to cause another issue at my house but...this is my outlet to vent since I don't, as of yet, have a therapist (on my New Years list).

I'm not sensitive to the feelings of others. I don't put on a happy face all the time. I'm not all gushy over people. I'm not allowed to have "off days" or even "off weeks." I'm not allowed to feel like crap. I'm not allowed to be unsocial. I'm not allowed to be moody. I'm not allowed to be quiet and say few, if any words. I'm to blame when others get their feelings hurt. I'm to blame when company cuts their visit short. Or goodness forbid, that my hormones AND stress may play a factor in ALL of the above.

Anyone curious about why I didn't go to FL? How about I didn't want to make those around me feel sad like I was feeling. How about I wanted to be in a place, my home, where I could "hide" and cry as much as I want. Nope, guess you didn't know all of those things. It's so much easier to just think that I'm an insensitive and uncaring person.

Did you think that leaving would make things better? NOPE! How about Nutz's feelings? Or what about CC? But as Nutz would say to me (and often does), it's much easier to run away.

As I said in my Christmas Eve post, I'm me and I've been this way for 38 years. Some people like me and others don't. At this stage of my life, I'm probably not going to change my personality. I'm sorry if your feelings get hurt every single time you're around me. I certainly don't intentionally try to hurt your feelings.

AND finally, I'm not a good communicator and I know that. I've got lots on my mind beyond being pregnant, stressing about an upcoming deployment, work stress (yes, I'm thankful to have a job), and the holidays (and being away from family and missing loved ones who are no longer with me). With that said, you might want to read this article on mood swings during pregnancy. Or, perhaps you might read this article about deployment stress. Or, even this article on work stress. Or, perhaps you might choose to read this article about stress during the holidays. Each of us deals with stress in a different way so don't judge me for the way I deal with it. And please don't take things personally!

I have so many other things that I'd like to say but will keep them to myself. I've never been one to blame others for my actions or inactions. So, I'm not going to start today.

I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!
~Dr. Seuss

Christmas Day

CC was exhausted after a long Christmas Eve day and night. So, she slept until 7:30. Once she finally woke up she was excited to see the presents that Santa left over night. She loved opening presents but ALSO wanted to play with each one after she opened it. So, the opening of presents took some time. Oh well! We didn't have anything better to do. Enjoy the pictures.

Christmas Eve with Ms. Amy

Ms. Amy invited our family to attend the Christmas Pageant at her church and to dinner at her house. We had a GREAT time! Thank you!

Christmas Eve

and home alone. By choice, but home alone, none-the-less. It's been a stressful week around our house with the news that Nutz is deploying for a year. He'll most likely miss the birth of his son and the first 10 months of his life. I've not slept and I've cried more tears than I knew possible. I'm one of those "what if" people so I worry about everything. The holidays have always been a stressful time for me, don't know why, but they have been. So put the news and the holidays together and you have one stressed out Crackerz. Oh yeah! I'm pregnant so add the crazy hormones, too.

I digress. If I'm not laughing, smiling, and being full of glee, don't take it personally. Just realize that I have a lot going on in my life right now and entertaining you and worrying about how you feel is not at the top of my list. There might be a day when I want to stay in my pjs all day and cry. Let me. I may be fine one minute and crying the next. Let me. Don't tell me that everything will be alright, I know that. Don't tell me that I'll have lots of people to help. I know that. But I'm sorry, it's not the same when it's not your husband and the father of your child. Don't ask me what you can do, just do it. What is "it"? I don't care, do something. If I have to take the time to tell you what to do then I might as well do it myself. If I want to stay in my room and not be social, don't take it personally, there's a reason. And, it's probably because I want to cry and I don't like an audience. If I go to bed before you, don't take it personally. I always go to bed early.

Bottom line, just because I don't act like you (happy and smiling all the time) doesn't mean I don't love you and don't accept you for you. Accept me for who I am (grouchy and all). If not, well, there's not much I can do about it.

CC's Big Girl Bed

As you know, we have a new baby on the way. Since we heard the news of Nutz's deployment, I hesitated moving CC at the same time her daddy leaves and a new baby arrives. However, we found this great bed from Flexa. So, the moving process will begin mid-January when the new bed should come in and while Nutz is still around. CC LOVED the bed and picked it out herself. Hopefully, she won't associate daddy leaving and baby brother arriving with being "kicked out" of her crib and nursery.

My Special Birthday

When I woke up on my birthday, this is what I found on the dining room table: flowers, balloon, birthday card, presents, "I love you" coffee cup with tea bag, and homemade blueberry muffins! I have the BEST husband!

For dinner, he took me to Ruths Chris; one of my all-time favorite places to eat!

I love you, Nutz!

Thank you!

Tonight, Nutz made arrangements for the Behr family to watch Regan while we went out to dinner for my birthday. Chris said she was a riot.

While there, CC did some pretty funny stuff:

1. Played school and read books (she's a bossy teacher)
2. Told Uncle Larry that he was being too loud
3. Had a bugger (yes you read correctly) on her finger and told Aunt Chris. But then informed Aunt Chris that it was too late; "It" had fallen on the floor (or couch). GROSS!
4. When asked if she wanted a fire in the fireplace, she said "No, I'm scared of fires like my daddy." Hmmm...didn't know she was scared of fires.

I'm sure there are others but I thought these were cute! Thank you Behr family for watching CC.

CC Plays Doctor

We took CC with us to the ultrasound and my last OB appointment. Since then, she wants to play doctor. She puts on the headset for the computer and uses the microphone as the "stethoscope" to listen to my belly. This afternoon, she wanted to be the "doctor" and told me to sit on the couch. She pulled up my shirt, got some pretend "soap" (she meant the gel used during ultrasounds), and proceed to move the microphone (ultrasound wand) over my stomach. She pointed to the wall and said, "look mommy, it's my baby brother." This is exactly what happened in the doctor's office. Super sweet!

CC's First Gingerbread House

This year, I decided to let CC make a gingerbread house. She had a blast. Check out the pictures. It's currently being "fixed." Once it's healed, she'll finish decorating and I'll take a picture of the final product.

Santa Tracking

Don't forget to track Santa Claus on Christmas Eve.

Do you have an "attitude of gratitude"?

I got this link from a friend's blog. I'm going to work hard to develop an attitude of gratitude. 2010 will provide us with many challenges (and happy moments like a new baby boy) and a chance for me to practice my new "attitude with gratitude."

She makes my heart melt!

This morning CC and I were snuggling on the couch before we had to get ready for school and work. She looked up at me and said, "mommy, I love you." Yep, made me cry! I love you, too!

The Girls

From December 2009

CC and I were hanging out in the office/playroom when she asked me to take a picture of us. Well, as you can see I was NOT dressed for a picture. But, I couldn't turn her down! She's a doll!

The Three Behrs

We are so excited to have the Three Behrs back in town! We love you guys!

From December 2009

From December 2009

From December 2009

I love Bass Pro!

From December 2009

From December 2009

From December 2009

Daddy-Daughter Time

Things Kids Say

CC pointed to a freckle on my leg and said, "Mommy has polka dots."

Already planning...

I purchased this sailboat set from Pottery Barn Kids for Deuce's nursery. What do you think?

NOTE: This is NOT our nursery but a picture from the PBK website.

The Behr Family Comes "Home"

We are so excited that the Behr family is moving back to VA. So excited, that we decided to surprise them with a decorated Christmas tree. Shh! Don't tell them, it's a secret.

CC was supposed to help decorate but she decided to take a 2 hour nap instead.

We're having a boy!

Boy or Girl?

Cheeseburger Soup

Tonight I decided to try something new. So, I searched the Internet for a cheeseburger soup recipe to get me started. I made some changes (and will make some more next time just because I think they sound good). To see the recipe with my changes, go to our cookbook.

CC's Latest Artwork...

just happens to be on her face. Yes, you read right. This morning before school, CC decided to color. However, rather than color on the paper she had, she decided to use her face.

Giggles

Girl's Weekend

This past weekend, I met some girlfriends in Fredericksburg, VA. We enjoyed the first snow of the season; just in time to put us in the holiday spirit. And, we were able to watch the annual Christmas parade from the warmth of the local Irish Pub.

Here are a few pictures from our trip.

November Nor'easter

Once again, we survived another storm and feel very fortunate. It's hard to believe that we live across the street from the Chesapeake Bay and had NO flooding, NO wind damage, AND we never lost power (okay, for 3-4 minutes at one point Thursday night).

Yesterday, we had to drive to my office so I could get some items before my trip to TX. It was quite the adventure and I'm glad we took the jeep. What is typically a 15 minute, easy drive turned into an off-road adventure, or so it seemed.

To see the pictures we took, go to our online album. To see pictures that other people around HR took, go to the Wavy website.

Storm Dates: November 12, November 13, November 14

The Start of the Christmas Season