Happy Birthday, Grammy!

We wish we could be there to celebrate with you!

Love,
Nutz, Crackerz, and Crazy Crumbz

The Mommy Dilemma

I realize that I'm not the first mother to face this dilemma. But, each of us is different and must do what's best for ourself and for our families.

This past year at work has been a busy one for me. I AM (with one full-time instructional designer) the E-Learning Department. Other than my full-time ID, I have no support staff and no back-up person.

For those that aren't sure what I do, I'm the E-Learning Manager at the local public television/public radio station. We're unique in that 18 public school divisions (SD) own our assets. As far as I know, there isn't another station like this in the US.

I'm responsible for the development of online student courses (textbook-independent, media-rich. highly-interactive). The courses we develop are the equivalent of a textbook, for which most of you are familiar. All of our courses are developed to meet, at a minimum, the Virginia Standards of Learning (VA SOL). Our teams are made up of 2 subject matter experts (for which I interview and hire), an instructional designer, project manager (me), and a content area review team (for which I coordinate, moderate, etc.) made up of multiple people from the participating school divisions. Part of the review process is a phone conference that typically occurs in the afternoon and can run as long as 2-3 hours. Currently, we are developing 4 courses: Algebra II/Trig, Biology, Geometry, and VA/US History. These courses are to be completed by July 31, 2010.

Another part of course development is course refreshment. Once a course is complete, it's not forgotten. We have a plan to revise ALL courses when new VA SOLs are released by the VA Department of Education and modernization updates. This process requires the same staff: project manager, instructional designer, and two subject matter experts. Currently, we have three courses that need to have this done: Algebra I, Earth Science, and VA/US Government. We haven't even started.

The third component to course development is the removal of some videos that were included in our original courses because the license we have to use them is going away. So, we need to review 8 courses (Algebra I, Earth Science, English 9, English 10, English 11, English 12, Personal Finance and Economics and VA/US Government) to remove the video clips and write replacement content. Again, this requires the same staff as original course development: project manager, instructional designer; subject matter experts. We haven't started.

Another responsibility that I have is to attend meetings related to E-Learning and travel to school divisions to assist them with planning for E-Learning. I also am required to present at local, regional, state, and national conferences.

In addition, I'm the regional Desire2Learn (D2L) Administrator. In this role, I'm responsible for being the D2L "expert" for all 14 school divisions (soon to be 18). In this capacity I do the following: coordinate/facilitate the creation of ANY new D2L site for new SD; hold monthly meetings with each of the SD's D2L administrators; provide escalated technical support to the SD; submit ALL technical issues to D2L and report results back to SD; coordinate all D2L upgrades with D2L (vendor) and the 14 SD; upload ALL completed courses to the 14 SD's D2L sites; provide D2L training to D2L Adminstrators; provide D2L training to SD staff (when requested); and be aware of, share/educate, and coordinate the demonstration of any new products available to the 14 SD.

THEN, last week we (my employer and the 18 school divisions) were awarded a $2,412,648 grant. The grant starts IMMEDIATELY and all associated activities must be complete by September 2011. With this grant, I'm now responsible for developing an additional 12 courses. This includes the interviewing/hiring of the following support staff: project manager, 4 full-time instructional designers, an assessment specialist, rich media developer, and 24 content developers. AND, act as the project manager for 6 of the 12 courses.

On Friday, I was told that I'd also be responsible for managing the implementation of a regional virtual school for the 18 SD which will run a pilot this summer, 2010. Yep, that's this summer. Well, if you're not familiar with a virtual school, no worries. It's the equivalent, if not more work, than running/starting a traditional school. You still need similar support staff: principal, curriculum specialist, technical specialist (it is technology), registrar, guidance counselor, and clerical support. This is NOT a comprehensive list, but you get the point. At this time, I AM all of those positions because there are no resources to hire anyone. With the help of some of my colleagues in the local school divisions, we created a 4 page document of items that include decisions that need to be made (by people much higher than me) and ALL items that must be completed before/during/after the summer school term. I admit that it was a bit overwhelming. But, I knew that since I've run a virtual summer school before AND I was the entire staff. It's not easy and I told myself that I'd never do it again. Ha!

There are those of us who love to work and love what we do. In fact, for me, I feel that being a working mom makes me a better mother. The time I spend with CC is special. Why can't I have both? I haven't spent all these years busting my butt to have to choose one or the other. This issue doesn't even take into consideration the fact that Nutz is going to be deployed for a year. Throw that on top of everything else (too much work for one person, who likes to produce QUALITY work, to feasibly manage) and you get one STRESSED out Crackerz.

And, this doesn't take into consideration that there is no one to "fill in" while I'm on maternity leave (at least not as of January 22) . So, does this mean that the expectations are that I work while on leave so project deadlines are met?!

What really makes me MAD is that I have to choose. For those of you who know me, know that doing things half-way is NOT acceptable. I pride myself in giving 100% (work and personal) AND it's not fair to my family or to my customers (18 SD) to give anything less. Hence, my dilemma.

What are mothers to do? Do fathers deal with the same issues? Just curious.

Freckles

During bath time, I said to CC, "You have a freckle." She promptly replied, "You have freckles everywhere, mommy."

Yep, this is me on most days!

Me at 25 Weeks

I haven't done a very good job of posting "me" pictures during this pregnancy. Here's a picture of me (taken today) at 25 weeks, 3 days.

PS Ignore the mess in the background.

CC and Bella

We had the opportunity to spend the day with Bella while her mommy worked. CC and Bella had a GREAT time hanging out with each other. We even took a trip to Sam's Club where the girls had a hot dog and Sprite. After the tiresome shopping trip, they fell asleep in the car so we drove around. :-) Never wake a sleeping baby/kid, right?

Here are some pictures of their day.

Football Party

Grandma Kathie invited us over to watch the Jets-Bengals playoff game. If you didn't know, she has a family member who plays for the Jets.

As you can see from the pictures, CC and her new friend, Annabelle, had a fun time. And, I ate way too much. Note to self: move away from the table if you're not hungry.

Grandma Kathie's Birthday

CC and I helped Grandma Kathie celebrate her birthday by attending a surprise party at one of her favorite local restaurants. All four of her children were able to be here as was her brother from Louisiana.

I love Ray Stevens!

CC and Nutz Dancing

Random January Pictures

Christmas Afternoon with Arana Family

Better late than never...

We spent Christmas afternoon with the Arana family. Great food and great friends! We love you!

New Year's Day

We spent new year's day with our good friends: Arana's, Behr's, Pino's, and Tavalozzi's.

I didn't do a very good job of getting pictures of everyone. We did have a house full; 8 children between the ages of 1 and 5. It was like a daycare.

Yep

No drama here just lots of emotions and hormones.

Think I'll read and reread this article from WebMD.

“Stress is like an iceberg. We can see one-eighth of it above, but what about what’s below?”

Our Little Artist

Hmmm...

Changes in You
"You are probably having wild mood swings still, but other than that things are run of the mill. Take some time to enjoy the feeling of your baby moving about your belly. This is often a fun time for both mom and baby because the baby has so much room to move around."

Taken from Women's Health Care Topics.

Be Yourself

I had a long post about being yourself, but decided to delete my words and replace them with the quotes below. I found these particular quotes that represent how I feel. It's important that you're always true to yourself.

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth. ~Benjamin Disraeli

Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else. ~Judy Garland

He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away. ~Raymond Hull

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ~e.e. cummings

Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you? ~Fanny Brice

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss

You were born an original. Don't die a copy. ~John Mason

Why try to be someone you're not? Life is hard enough without adding impersonation to the skills required. ~Robert Brault

Forgive and Forget

Why is it that it's easier to forgive than to forget? That's been my experience most of my life. I'm able to forgive but have a difficult time forgetting. I'm always hearing "just forget about it, it's over." Yep, doesn't work for me. I'm always going over in my mind what happened and what could have been done differently.

I found the article, Handling Forgiving and Forgetting on the Livestrong.com website. So much of what's on there I can relate with. I need to focus on "forgetting."

So, I'm going to do my best to work through the three steps listed:

Step 1: In order to increase your ability to forgive and forget, you need to recognize what this behavior involves. Answer the following questions in your journal:

a. What do you mean by "forgiving and forgetting in a relationship?"
b. Have you ever been forgiven in a relationship? How did it feel?
c. Has anyone ever brought up something from the past to remind you how you hurt a person? How did that make you feel?
d. What role do you feel forgiving and forgetting has in your relationships? How could you improve?
e. How has the absence of forgiving and forgetting affected your current relationships?
f. What are the signs of the absence of forgiving and forgetting in your relationship with your family of origin, current family, significant others, spouse, children, parents, relatives, friends and co-workers?
g. What beliefs block your ability to forgive and forget? What would be necessary to change these beliefs?
h. What new behavior do you need to develop in order to increase your ability to forgive and forget?
i. What role does the existence of spirituality play in your ability to forgive and forget? The lack of it?
j. Who do you need to forgive? What do you need to forget?

Step 2: Now that you have a better picture of what is involved in forgiving and forgetting, you are ready to extinguish blaming behavior.

Letting Go of Blaming

It is easy to point the finger of blame at others for the pain you have suffered. This activity is intended to get you to point the finger of responsibility at yourself, to be better able to forgive and forget when you feel hurt by another's behavior. Answer the following questions in your journal:

(1) List an incident for which you are unable to forgive a person(s) and therefore are unable to forget.
(2) How much energy, creativity, problem solving capability and focus on growth is sapped from you whenever you recall this hurt?
(3) What feelings come to your mind and body as you recall this hurt?
(4) How would you describe your role in this event? In what ways were you the victim, perpetrator, enabler, martyr, bystander, instigator, target, scapegoat, distracter, peacemaker, people pleaser or rescuer?
(5) Why do you feel strongly over what happened and how you were treated?
(6) What did this event or happening do to your self-esteem?
(7) How dependent on others were you (or are you) to help you feel good about yourself? How positively self-affirming were or are you? Why do you need this person's affirmation to make you feel good about yourself? What beliefs about yourself were threatened by what happened to you? Reinforced?
(8) How willing are you to declare yourself independent of the need for others to reinforce you and make you feel good about yourself? What blocks you from declaring this independence? What fears do you have of letting go of the need for others to make you feel good about yourself? How does this relate to your inability to forgive or forget in the incident listed in Step 2(1)?
(9) What value is there in blaming the person(s) listed in Step 2(1) for the hurt and pain experienced? How responsible are you for the feelings of hurt and pain? How do these feelings relate to your dependence on others to make you feel good about yourself? How do you control your feelings of pain and hurt? What would change in your feelings about this past incident if you accepted the responsibility for your own feelings and perceptions? How do your irrational beliefs interfere in your ability to resist blaming others for pain and hurt you experience?
(10) Look back at the past incident and the person(s) involved; reframe your thinking and feelings about it:
* Who was responsible for my reaction to the incident?
* Who was responsible for my feelings about the incident?
* Who was responsible for my inability to forgive the person(s) involved?
* Who is responsible for my inability to forget this incident?
* How can I forgive the person(s) involved?
* How can I put this incident behind me?
* How can I forgive myself for being dependent on others for feelings of being worthwhile and good?
* How can I avoid being so hurt when something like this happens again?
* What do I gain by blaming others for my feelings?
* What can I do when I feel hurt and pain? Where does the finger of responsibility need to be pointed?

Step 3: Once you have learned how to let go of blaming in that one incident, repeat Step 2 addressing all the past or present incidents of hurt in which you need to forgive the people and forget the incidents (see Step 1j).

When you have exhausted your list of people you need to forgive and events you need to forget, you will be on the road to forgiving and forgetting in relationships. If you have problems in the future, return to Step 1 and begin again.

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.

~ Lewis B. Smedes

A long day, lots of emotions...

lots of words, lots of tears, and I still don't feel better. We talk and talk and talk but nothing seems to be said. I get the feeling that unless I "cave in" and say that I'll change, that this same, or similar, scenario will take place time and time again. And, I'm not sure that I want that.

I am hard-headed and stubborn, but give me a break. Why, with all that I have going on in my life right now, must I explain myself? Why must I apologize for being mopey and quiet (and perhaps grouchy, too)? Why can't people just put two and two together to realize that it's not about "them." Ever think that maybe it's about me? That maybe I'm the one with the issue(s) and you just happen to be around during the time that I'm trying to deal with it/them? I didn't think so. Sometimes, people need to understand that another person's actions aren't necessarily about them. I know, that's a tough one to comprehend.

I guess I've never been a sensitive person and therefore don't understand people who are extremely sensitive. I've also never been one to tip-toe around people and act like everything is FANTASTIC when it's not! I'm a "what you see is what you get" kind of gal! If I'm having a good day, then you'll see my good day. If I'm having a bad day, then you'll see my bad day. In the comforts of my own home, I'd expect that I could be myself. I can see that's not the case.

Is it possible for me to change who I am after all these years? I don't think so. What next? Do I give up? Do I say "you win?" What? Someone please tell me.

Ah yes...it's my FAULT yet again

I'm sure that this post is going to cause another issue at my house but...this is my outlet to vent since I don't, as of yet, have a therapist (on my New Years list).

I'm not sensitive to the feelings of others. I don't put on a happy face all the time. I'm not all gushy over people. I'm not allowed to have "off days" or even "off weeks." I'm not allowed to feel like crap. I'm not allowed to be unsocial. I'm not allowed to be moody. I'm not allowed to be quiet and say few, if any words. I'm to blame when others get their feelings hurt. I'm to blame when company cuts their visit short. Or goodness forbid, that my hormones AND stress may play a factor in ALL of the above.

Anyone curious about why I didn't go to FL? How about I didn't want to make those around me feel sad like I was feeling. How about I wanted to be in a place, my home, where I could "hide" and cry as much as I want. Nope, guess you didn't know all of those things. It's so much easier to just think that I'm an insensitive and uncaring person.

Did you think that leaving would make things better? NOPE! How about Nutz's feelings? Or what about CC? But as Nutz would say to me (and often does), it's much easier to run away.

As I said in my Christmas Eve post, I'm me and I've been this way for 38 years. Some people like me and others don't. At this stage of my life, I'm probably not going to change my personality. I'm sorry if your feelings get hurt every single time you're around me. I certainly don't intentionally try to hurt your feelings.

AND finally, I'm not a good communicator and I know that. I've got lots on my mind beyond being pregnant, stressing about an upcoming deployment, work stress (yes, I'm thankful to have a job), and the holidays (and being away from family and missing loved ones who are no longer with me). With that said, you might want to read this article on mood swings during pregnancy. Or, perhaps you might read this article about deployment stress. Or, even this article on work stress. Or, perhaps you might choose to read this article about stress during the holidays. Each of us deals with stress in a different way so don't judge me for the way I deal with it. And please don't take things personally!

I have so many other things that I'd like to say but will keep them to myself. I've never been one to blame others for my actions or inactions. So, I'm not going to start today.

I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!
~Dr. Seuss